woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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