I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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