thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
