I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
