Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
