Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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