Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
