I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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