Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
