I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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