Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
