My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
