Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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