just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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