I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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