remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
