I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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