so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
