If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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