You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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