Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize