Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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