i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
