i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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