Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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