Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
