Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
