Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
