I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
