my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
