I feel great
I just peed on a car
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
