hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
