I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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