next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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