I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
