Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
