You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
