She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
