I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
