I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
