3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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