apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
