I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i think i just lost a toe
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
