You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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