someone threw a dead crab at me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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