Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We just shotgunned beers for America
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
