Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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