On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
