My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
