haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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