So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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