His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
