And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
