Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think your dad took our porno
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
