I wish I could teleport
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
