If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
