I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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