The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
