if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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