I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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