i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
