I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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